Why Great Dates Can Get You Nowhere with Women

I recently read a very interesting book called, Spin Selling, which talks about some of the differences between sales with a short cycle(the buyer makes the decision then and there) vs. long cycle(where the buyer will go through several steps before making a buying decision).

There were several differences that are applicable to dating, and one of the ones that struck me most powerfully is that most of the selling process takes place when the salesman IS NOT there!

Think of the car buyer.  He decides he wants a new car.  He's seen some cool cars around, he's talked to some friends and family about it; he looked on the internet.  Then he goes to the dealership.  He talks it over, asking about features availability, pricing and financing.

Then he goes back home to think about it some more.  Do some more research on the internet and talk it over more with his friends and family, to get their input and feedback.  Perhaps he goes to a few different dealerships.

So as you can see, the time that he spends with any one salesman is quite small compared to the total time he spends in the buying process.  Buying a car, is a public experience.  He doesn't want everyone he knows to see him pay too much for a shit car.  He doesn't want to be the laughing stock of the office.

And dating is a lot like this too.  Sure, the time when you are in front of the girl is important, but what's even more important is what she's thinking about you and the conversations she's having with her friends about you when you're not there.

People make decisions based on emotions, but it is your job to also provide enough reasons for her to have logical explanations and rationalizations why being with you is an awesome decision.

Imagine this scenario...girl has a date, and right after she calls up her friend to tell her about the great time she had.  The friend says, "Tell me about him, what does he do?"  And she answers, "He's cute and he's a successful lawyer," and BOOM instant value is projected onto him by her friend and she gets validation for snagging a catch.

The label, "successful lawyer" is short hand for all sorts of positive qualities that imply that this guy is a great mate even though he may actually be a heartless ass.  But she can pride herself on having made a good choice.

In fact if she marries this guy and then things don't go so well, instead of everyone standing around saying, "I told you so," they'll be standing around, wondering how this could have happened--taking the responsability away from her so she becomes the helpless victim of chance.

So, while good exciting dates are important, what's even more important is building your value in ways that when you're not right there in front of her she has positive ammunition to justify to herself and others why being with you and continuing to see you is a good idea.

Comments

[Dan]

Are there any things in particular you tell a girl about in your life that they're sure to tell their friends about?

[RedpoleQ]

There are some things that she is almost certain to tell her friends because they'll ask. This includes stuff like, your job, your age and what you look like(height).

What she tells her friends varies widely depending on the woman and therefore on the kind of friends she has. She'll tell them whatever it is that will help her position(though there are admittedly some girls who don't care what their friends think).

So, if she wants to look good to her friends and successful in her dating life, she will tell them good things, and spin information about you to make them envy her. If she wants to commiserate with her friends about their troubled love lives, she'll tell them anything bad about you she can think of.

It seems that memory is linked very strongly to emotion so that we remember things that are attached to emotions such that if she's feeling good, she'll remember good things and if she's not feeling so good she'll remember bad things.

This is why you need to plan out what you say to women, test it and then modify it based on the results.

I'm sure I'll discuss this more in upcoming articles.

Thanks for your question.

[The Dude]

I think Redpole has a great point....Recently I became acquainted with a Chinese Phd student new to Japan who while she was in one hand very inquisitive (we went to an SM show, she also asked to walk around where there are lots of love hotels) was afraid of being "a bad girl". She initiated kino on several occasions and asked me how she could plese me.....But when it came time to actually go forward she froze and specifically talked/cried that she did not want to disappoint her family (by soiling herself with a foreigner) and backstab her bf back in China (even though they were close to sexless even when she was there)......It is possible with more time or better moves on my part I could have closed the deal...But it is also possible I played my cards as best as possible and her prior conditioning eliminated any chance, even before the gme started....

[Taiwan Lair]

Good point. I've had this happen to me far too many times.

When you coming to Taipei?