The Shadow Knows: Part III - Male Sexual Psychology

Guys learning game and in the pickup community tend to have a lot of sexual desires in their shadows. 

In Owning Your Own Shadow the author says that you can think of your shadow and your persona as being on opposite sides of a scale and that the two have to be in balance.  You can do that, either by actively finding ways to express your shadow, or by moving things over from your shadow into your persona(ie learning to make those things part of the character you portray to others).

I think that this is why guys who learn game, become waaaaay more balanced as people.  They find healthy ways(through relationships with women, short or long term) to express the sexual side that they've been repressing for lack of satisfactory outlets. 

In men I would say that one major part of the shadow side of their sexuality is the rapist.  In women, I'd say the shadow side is the whore/slut(which of course brings ust Pretty Woman and Titanic, but more on that later).

So, the rapist wants to have sex with a woman just because he finds her physically attractive.  The internal DNA instructions are saying, "IMPREGNATE HER!" which comes out in normal human language as, "Holy shit, I want to fuck that girl!" or some variation thereof.

Instead of slinking off into the corner and masterbating(though they may still do that too) is that guys can also indulge in their fantasies by walking up to the girl and actually opening up the possibility of having a relationship(sexual or otherwise) without vilolating any social rules.

This is a huge leap. 

I knew this guy who if a girl had sex with him, she was automatically a slut.  It was the weirdest thing and reminded me of the old Graucho Marx quote, "I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER."

But when you look at this behavior from the concept of the shadow it begins to make total sense.  If he's expressing aspects of himself that shouldn't be expressed(ie are not acceptable in society) then any woman who accepts that part of him undermines his persona and must be degraded and discarded(ie "sacrificed").

In some ways, the situation of women in the early nineteenth century
has become generalized in the early twenty-first. The outlets for male bad
behavior—war, dirty politics, the institution of mistresses and courtesans—
have faded away; today, not just women but men are supposed to be emi¬
nently civilized and reasonable. And many have a hard time living up to
this. As children we are able to vent the darker side of our characters, a side
that all of us have. But under pressure from society (at first in the form
of our parents), we slowly repress the naughty, rebellious, perverse streaks
in our characters. To get along, we learn to repress our dark sides, which
become a kind of lost self, a part of our psyche buried beneath our polite
appearance.

-The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene, p. 354

 Suggested Reading:



Is There Anything Good About Men?

I recently read an extremely interesting article(originally a speech) called, Is There Anything Good About Men by Roy F. Baumeister,  Professor of Psychology & Head of Social Psychology at Florida State University。

This talk says things about the way men fit into society that have totally matched my experience but has gone against the grain of what society teaches.  One important point is that he debunks the idea that men rule women and have set up soceity for their own benefit.

He also highlights cultural competition as the fulcrum around which gender roles develop.  The most successful cultures developed certain modes of behavior that favored survival while the others didn't. 

One thing that's a serious issue in the past few decades is the position of men in society has rapidly declined from the days where there would be a TV show called, "Father Knows Best" to today where most men are shown as bumbling idiots who are lucky enough to have survived to adulthood much less landed a mate.

Unfortunately, the article starts off by playing into this stereotype:

You’re probably thinking that a talk called “Is there anything good about men” will be a short talk!

Luckily he goes on to show that he's just playing into the recent perceptions that abound in modern western society:

Recent writings have not had much good to say about men. Titles like “Men Are Not Cost Effective” speak for themselves. Maureen Dowd’s book was called “Are Men Necessary?” and although she never gave an explicit answer, anyone reading the book knows her answer was no. Brizendine’s book “The Female Brain” introduces itself by saying, “Men, get ready to experience brain envy.” Imagine a book advertising itself by saying that women will soon be envying the superior male brain!

Nor are these isolated examples. Eagly’s research has compiled mountains of data on the stereotypes people have about men and women, which the researchers summarized as “The WAW effect.” WAW  stands for “Women Are Wonderful.” Both men and women hold much more favorable views of women than of men. Almost everybody likes women better than men.

The author has a quite balanced opinion and points out that modern culture has framed men and women as adversaries when in reality cultures that functioned that way would never have survived.

Click to read more ...

But We Had Sex...

A lot of guys, especially guys who are less experienced with sex, have the wrong idea about how important sex is to women.  They've bought into the idea that sex for women must be meaningful, and I think this is the downfall of so many guys who end up in the pickup "community".

They come in with the attitude that if they could just figure out how to get sex, they're problems with women and dating would totally be solved.  They usually have a few female friends that they orbit around who tell them what great guys there are, and lucky some woman would be to be with them, and maybe they've had a girlfriend or two so they figure they're pretty good at the relationship thing.

Then they learn pickup and they finally are able to get sex...but it's not leading to the relationships they wanted--in fact it leads to a lot of sex with many different girls that stalls out quickly  And then they get confused and jaded about pickup.

The mistake these guys make is thinking that sex for women is a meaningful emotional investment.

They grew up believing that women are special creatures who live in fantasy land rather than realzing that women can be just as pragmatic, practical and ruthless as men.

There's a wide spread belief that one night stands are a case of guys USING girls, when this is only the case for a small minority of guys--arguably guys who hate or think very little of women.  Guys who get into the "community" usually adore women, and see themselves as being inadequate.  And if they do harbor hatred for women it's because they've sought their approval and been denied, much like Ephialtes in the movie 300 felt about the Spartans.

A large majority of the guys who come into the "community" think that the skills they have are enough to make women swoon and that their cocks are some powerful sceptre that enslaves women in love.

I recently heard the term, "sport fucking" from a blog that I'll post up some things about later, and it means that since women in modern developed societies are pretty secure in terms of survival they don't really need to select all that carefully for the guys they sleep with.  Instead, they can "sport fuck" knowing that there are no consequences because they're on birth control, they have condoms, they can have an abortion, and even if they have the kid they can still extract cash from the man via the legal system.

So this security means that sex no longer has the serious implications that it once did.  This is good news because it makes women more open to sexual adventures.  It's bad news though because most guys still cling on to the old notions of how women operate.

They think that just because they've penetrated a woman, she must be in love and have special feelings, and hold him in high regard.

I can tell you from my experience that sex can mean something to a woman but it can just as easily mean absolutely nothing.

It hurts a lot of guys feelings when they find this out.  Because now they realize that there is more work to be done and they're not going to be home by dinner time.

This is especially true of guys who fancy themselves sexual masters.  I've done a lot of reading on sex and sexuality and I've worked on my technique and women love it.  It's fantastic for them, BUT...

Improving my sexual technique has not meant that I'm suddenly able to control women or that my relationships have significantly improved(though we do have more fun).

In fact, I think that when the sex is really good the first time, women put their emotional defences on full alert because they often don't want a "sport fuck" to turn into anything more.

I'm under-exagerating the power of sex a bit but only because I need to compensate for how society has put it on some higher spiritual plane of existence.  It can be like that, but she has to be willing.

And many(most?) women aren't open to that for a variety of reasons, many(most?) of which have absolutely nothing at all to do with you.

Watch Sex and the City.  Women love that show because they identify with the characters so well.  Sure, the four girls are caricatures, but that just serves to make it much easier for you to learn from it. 

So the main take-away is that sex is sex.  Relationships are relationships.  They are intertwined and are also mutually exclusive, so don't get them confused or you will end up very, very disappointed.

Satellite of Love

This is a fantastic blog.  A great read.  Especially for those of you out there who are used to thinking of girls as sugar and spice and everything nice.

A real eye-opener, this girl tells it in a way that girls don't want you to know.  You'll probably end up reading every post in one day like I did, so be wary and get some water to keep you going!

http://lovehoteljapan.blogspot.com/2009/12/4-nympho.html

And if you really like what this girl has to say, make some comments and I'll see if I can set up an interview with her or something.

Anti-Slut Defense

I was invited to write a guest post on a very well knows website on pickup called, PUALingo.com.  It's a glossary of all the pickup terminology out there.

I decided to write mine on Anti-Slut Defense, something that is near and dear to my heart because it's something that exists because of the unreasonable expectations that are put onto women's behavior by society especially and that is often re-enforced by the very guys who are trying to get into women's pants in the first place.

An excerpt:

Why does it exist?

It boils down to the Madonna/Whore dichotomy.

Madonna(not the singer)-Jesus’s mother, a woman so perfect and pure that not only did she give birth to the son of god, but she did it without having to resort to dirty, dirty sex

Whore-A woman who will do any sexual act with anyone for the right price, as often as necessary.

Read the full article: http://www.pualingo.com/blog/anti-slut-defense/

Get Blown or Blown Out!

Don't BE Samson - LEARN from SamsonOne-itis(noun):

1. the fixation by a guy (usually) on one girl, who he imbues with positive qualities(that she may not possess) or whose positive qualities are imbued with such value that all negative qualities are overlooked and/or rationalized away to the point that she seems to be totally irreplaceable as a potential partner for sex, dating, a relationship, marriage or all of the above.

2. a woman who a guy has one-itis for

3. (adjective) the state of having one-itis

One-itis is one of the most destructive forces known to man.  Think Samson and Delilah.  Think Bathsheba and King David.  Think Cleopatra and Marc Antony.  No matter how you look at it, the heedless chase for a particular woman has dealt a deadly blow to many a man...

Click to read more ...

The Red Queen

Before you go reading Sperm Wars, you may want to read this book.  A lot of guys after reading Sperm Wars(and some girls too), are really upset about what biology says about women.

People object to the way that the scientific evidence strips away all female(and male behavior) down to expressions of biology.  And they are especially apalled at what women seem to do to promote sperm warfare.

But, I think there's something beyond that that is really what get people confused, and pissed off.  Especially guys who already have doubts about the fairer sex.

Click to read more ...

Sperm Wars

Despite it's name, this is a serious book.  It delves into the biological details of what plays out when two people have sex but goes much deeper by discussing how our bodies optimize our chances for high quality reproduction.

As the author points out, we men do seem to be at a severe disadvantage when it comes to reproductive success in that women's bodies have more tricks and techniques by far than we do.

Men are pretty limited as our main weaponry is the composition of our 3 sperm types: killer sperm, egg-getters, and blockers.

Women's bodies on the other hand can manipulate the width of the cervix, the viscosity of their discharge, and the timing of egg release to name a few.

And while it's true that it is all invonlunatry, the kicker is that as fortune favors the brave, a woman's body favors the temporary interloper over the steady as you can male.

Click to read more ...